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1985 - Maria meets her cousin, Danielle Remington
1991 - Maria gets some advice on the ladies
1991 - Maria asks Vera on their first real date (nsfw!!)
1992 - Andrew confronts Maria about her secret affair with Vera
1995 - Maria contemplates her own loss as Danielle loses someone important to her
1997 - Maria gets married
2004 - Maria talks to Danielle on dealing with her older daughter's sudden disinterest in hunter training
2005 - Palmer handles the aftermath of Andrew's betrayal
2015 - Palmer makes a phone call
2015 - Palmer gets coffee with Liv Lazzari after a weird night
2015 - Palmer attempts to make some poor life choices and succeeds, with surprises
2016 - As the city descends into chaos, Palmer and Danielle catch up
2016 - Palmer and Shawn have family time, aka drinking
2016 - Palmer and Vera go to art therapy and consider the future
2016 - Masha sends her regrets
Dear Danielle, Shaun, Keiko—
Hope you’re well and surviving, and sorry I had to leave so suddenly without saying anything. I gather you’ve heard by now what I did, and I imagine it’s at best a surprise and at worst… well. I’m really not up for thinking about even more worst-case scenarios right now, so I’ll leave it at that.
I’d like you to understand my reasons. I wanted to keep doing what I’ve always done—protect the people and things I care about, which is my family and my city, and this’ll let me do that. And so many people want to martyr themselves for me and keep me safe and blessedly normal, and honestly, I’m tired of it. I’ve never really felt normal and I’m not sure I’ve ever really wanted to be. And I feel so much less like a monster than I did when I was still human. Funny how it works out that way.
I don’t want to give up the good fight, I don’t have to, and I’m not going to. Some complications mean I have to give up formal leadership, though, so if you need anything in that capacity, call George—his decisions are binding and final. The house is, unfortunately, gone, and the rest of the family’s been evacuated to a safer location, but hopefully we’ll be back to rebuild it someday. If you’re still there when I get back, it’d be nice to see you again.
In the meantime, I’m still here, even if I'm having to take a bit of an impromptu vacation. I’m having some issues with corporeality right now—I’m dictating this—but if you call for me, I'll always do my best to come running. Least I can do.
I’m sorry. I know it’s not enough. I only hope you can understand, and maybe forgive me one day.
All my love,
Maria
Hope you’re well and surviving, and sorry I had to leave so suddenly without saying anything. I gather you’ve heard by now what I did, and I imagine it’s at best a surprise and at worst… well. I’m really not up for thinking about even more worst-case scenarios right now, so I’ll leave it at that.
I’d like you to understand my reasons. I wanted to keep doing what I’ve always done—protect the people and things I care about, which is my family and my city, and this’ll let me do that. And so many people want to martyr themselves for me and keep me safe and blessedly normal, and honestly, I’m tired of it. I’ve never really felt normal and I’m not sure I’ve ever really wanted to be. And I feel so much less like a monster than I did when I was still human. Funny how it works out that way.
I don’t want to give up the good fight, I don’t have to, and I’m not going to. Some complications mean I have to give up formal leadership, though, so if you need anything in that capacity, call George—his decisions are binding and final. The house is, unfortunately, gone, and the rest of the family’s been evacuated to a safer location, but hopefully we’ll be back to rebuild it someday. If you’re still there when I get back, it’d be nice to see you again.
In the meantime, I’m still here, even if I'm having to take a bit of an impromptu vacation. I’m having some issues with corporeality right now—I’m dictating this—but if you call for me, I'll always do my best to come running. Least I can do.
I’m sorry. I know it’s not enough. I only hope you can understand, and maybe forgive me one day.
All my love,
Maria
Palmer takes one last baleful look at her latest artistic endeavor before she sets it unceremoniously in the backseat of her van—one of her several half-finished products of this class. Her work had gotten gradually less and less ambitious—even trying the kind of abstract stuff that Vera was working on still ended up looking unimpressive when she did it. Well, she was… good at other things.
“Glad we showed up,” she says over her shoulder to Vera, standing behind her, before heading around to the other side to get in the driver’s seat. “Considering we were the only ones who did.” The teacher had looked honestly shocked to see them—not surprising, considering the ordeal the city had been through in the last few weeks. “Your piece turned out nice, I think. We could probably put a frame on that, hang it up somewhere, if you like. I’ve always thought it’d be nice to have some actual art in the house.”
Hard to say if art therapy's all it's cracked up to be, but everything takes time. It's just that she keeps feeling like there's never enough time, these days, like there's a clock ticking down that she can't stop.
“Glad we showed up,” she says over her shoulder to Vera, standing behind her, before heading around to the other side to get in the driver’s seat. “Considering we were the only ones who did.” The teacher had looked honestly shocked to see them—not surprising, considering the ordeal the city had been through in the last few weeks. “Your piece turned out nice, I think. We could probably put a frame on that, hang it up somewhere, if you like. I’ve always thought it’d be nice to have some actual art in the house.”
Hard to say if art therapy's all it's cracked up to be, but everything takes time. It's just that she keeps feeling like there's never enough time, these days, like there's a clock ticking down that she can't stop.
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Night off, finally. Coming off a long shift like that all she should have wanted to do was sleep, but it never felt like there were enough hours in the day anymore. And sleep was more and more often an exercise in lying awake, alone with her thoughts in the dark. Just like every year around this time except worse. No thanks.
So Palmer made herself a cup of coffee and went to see if Great-Aunt Julia was what passed for awake. Weird how things changed so quickly—three months ago she would have sworn there was no such thing as ghosts, and now one was haunting her couch. Her aunt haunting her couch. She'd set a bunch of older pens on the coffee table in hopes that one of them would have enough emotional whatever imbued into it to work for Aunt Julia, but so far she'd seen nothing.
She did a quick double-take when she saw someone actually sitting on the couch, but then relaxed as she realized that it was just Danielle—who she had, she remembered, blearily, told she could come over whenever.
"'Lo, Danielle," she said, rubbing at her eyes and taking a seat next to her on the couch. "How's Aunt Julia?"
So Palmer made herself a cup of coffee and went to see if Great-Aunt Julia was what passed for awake. Weird how things changed so quickly—three months ago she would have sworn there was no such thing as ghosts, and now one was haunting her couch. Her aunt haunting her couch. She'd set a bunch of older pens on the coffee table in hopes that one of them would have enough emotional whatever imbued into it to work for Aunt Julia, but so far she'd seen nothing.
She did a quick double-take when she saw someone actually sitting on the couch, but then relaxed as she realized that it was just Danielle—who she had, she remembered, blearily, told she could come over whenever.
"'Lo, Danielle," she said, rubbing at her eyes and taking a seat next to her on the couch. "How's Aunt Julia?"
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3 unread messages from Maria Palmer, received 7:31 PM:
> I'm off duty tonight and determined to get very drunk
> And I figure you owe me at least one drink on account of LITERALLY SLICING MY FACE OPEN
> So if you want to make it up to me meet me at that bar we were at last time and we can start making a dent in what you owe me
> I'm off duty tonight and determined to get very drunk
> And I figure you owe me at least one drink on account of LITERALLY SLICING MY FACE OPEN
> So if you want to make it up to me meet me at that bar we were at last time and we can start making a dent in what you owe me
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The end of the first night of the rest of her terrible garbage life saw Palmer in a situation she never imagined possible: in the first all-night diner she could find, sitting across the table from Vera Volkov, back from the dead.
Or—Liv Lazzari, now, wasn't it.
That was going to take some getting used to. That, and the fact that despite the drastic changes to her appearance, Vera—Liv—still didn't look a day older than when Palmer had seen her last, over twenty years ago. Not worth the price of admission, in Palmer's mind, but it felt a little unfair. Palmers tended to start showing age early, and she herself was no exception.
Palmer leaned on the slightly sticky table with one elbow, absentmindedly stirring her coffee with the other hand and biting back a yawn. "Is every night in hell this eventful?"
Or—Liv Lazzari, now, wasn't it.
That was going to take some getting used to. That, and the fact that despite the drastic changes to her appearance, Vera—Liv—still didn't look a day older than when Palmer had seen her last, over twenty years ago. Not worth the price of admission, in Palmer's mind, but it felt a little unfair. Palmers tended to start showing age early, and she herself was no exception.
Palmer leaned on the slightly sticky table with one elbow, absentmindedly stirring her coffee with the other hand and biting back a yawn. "Is every night in hell this eventful?"
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Palmer scrolled through the contacts list on her phone, finally finding the right one. A small, morbid smile sprang to her lips. She'd spoken to the owner of this number earlier tonight--like every night--but it had been a while since she'd last made a social call. What a reason to get back in touch.
Like old times, really, except not really at all.
She glanced back into the dining room. Amity still seemed to be sitting tight—not that she had any way of not doing that, being handcuffed to the chair, ha fucking ha, but at least she was eating, now. Well. For a given value of "eating."
Christ in heaven, this was her life, now.
Well, she already committed to this. No reason to hesitate. She hit the call button.
"Hi, Danielle," she said, not even bothering to disguise the weariness in her voice. "It's me."
Like old times, really, except not really at all.
She glanced back into the dining room. Amity still seemed to be sitting tight—not that she had any way of not doing that, being handcuffed to the chair, ha fucking ha, but at least she was eating, now. Well. For a given value of "eating."
Christ in heaven, this was her life, now.
Well, she already committed to this. No reason to hesitate. She hit the call button.
"Hi, Danielle," she said, not even bothering to disguise the weariness in her voice. "It's me."
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There wasn't really a reason to wait to make sure Madison started to decay and turn to ash, considering her head was a good few meters from her body at this point, but there was something a little strangely satisfying about the way vampires tied off the loose ends they left in death. The only tidy goddamn thing about this clusterfuck of a night.
She gave the now largely empty pile of clothes one more prod with her boot before sheathing the machete and turning away from the scene and going to go find Jonas, leaving Danielle alone standing over the body. She scraped irritably at the sticky, now mostly-dried blood staining her forehead; she wasn't sure who it belonged to, at this point. Didn't care. Still alive, still intact, good enough. Had to be.
The kid was thankfully more or less where she'd left him; she suspected he'd been drugged up, but he was stirring now, which meant that it probably wouldn't do any lasting damage. She picked him up, set him in the crook of her arm, and then sank back against the nearest wall.
Her eyes were dry, if burning from exhaustion suppressed by adrenaline. No tears, not tonight. Just the coiled knot of anger that sat heavy in the pit of her stomach.
She gave the now largely empty pile of clothes one more prod with her boot before sheathing the machete and turning away from the scene and going to go find Jonas, leaving Danielle alone standing over the body. She scraped irritably at the sticky, now mostly-dried blood staining her forehead; she wasn't sure who it belonged to, at this point. Didn't care. Still alive, still intact, good enough. Had to be.
The kid was thankfully more or less where she'd left him; she suspected he'd been drugged up, but he was stirring now, which meant that it probably wouldn't do any lasting damage. She picked him up, set him in the crook of her arm, and then sank back against the nearest wall.
Her eyes were dry, if burning from exhaustion suppressed by adrenaline. No tears, not tonight. Just the coiled knot of anger that sat heavy in the pit of her stomach.
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At least Maria could be certain that Danielle would be up at this time of night. Small favors of having a vampire in the family—you could always be sure they'd be up in the middle of the night if you needed to talk about something. Normally she would have asked Sam, but—well.
That was the thing, wasn't it?
She picked up the phone, and dialed the familiar number, hoping that she could manage to at least sound less tired than she felt. "Hey, Danielle," she said. "It's me."
That was the thing, wasn't it?
She picked up the phone, and dialed the familiar number, hoping that she could manage to at least sound less tired than she felt. "Hey, Danielle," she said. "It's me."
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( 1993: all the stupid lies I hide behind )
( 1994: the promises I've made )
( 1994: it kicks you in the teeth when you are least expecting )
( 1995: something that I can defend, in the end )
( 1995: I'm not worried about the consequence )
( 1996: a hero needs an origin story )
( 2001: the way your world can alter )
( 2003: I'm a goddamn fool, but then again so are you )
( 2005: my heart will be blacker than your eyes when I'm through with you )
Today was the day—the hour, even—and somehow it still surprised her that this was actually happening. And yet here she was, standing in front of the mirror in the prep room: white dress, mother's jewelry, only a minimum of weaponry.
Maria Palmer was getting married.
Sam didn't remind her at all of Vera, not one bit. Honestly—if she tried to imagine a more different person, she wasn't sure she could. He was skinny, soft-edged, nerdy, fascinated by the lives of things Palmer preferred to kill and get taxidermied. (The only way they were remotely alike was the way they both lit up at the prospect of danger.) He would, could never replace her—and that was fine. She didn't want that. She would never want to write over that part of her life... but, she was starting to think, she wanted to grow something new.
Maria Palmer was getting married.
Sam didn't remind her at all of Vera, not one bit. Honestly—if she tried to imagine a more different person, she wasn't sure she could. He was skinny, soft-edged, nerdy, fascinated by the lives of things Palmer preferred to kill and get taxidermied. (The only way they were remotely alike was the way they both lit up at the prospect of danger.) He would, could never replace her—and that was fine. She didn't want that. She would never want to write over that part of her life... but, she was starting to think, she wanted to grow something new.
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Maybe it had been thinking over Danielle's advice, maybe it had been the way Vera had said "sometimes I think I might love you," maybe it was just the way the moonlight looked on Vera's bright blonde hair as they sat together, hands overlapping, in the hunting blind—whatever it was, it suddenly made the idea she'd been chewing on for a solid week seem like it just might work.
Maria cleared her throat, quiet and low. "Hey, so," she said, trying to keep her tone measured, "would you want to go out to dinner, sometime?"
Maria cleared her throat, quiet and low. "Hey, so," she said, trying to keep her tone measured, "would you want to go out to dinner, sometime?"
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Ever since the family had gotten back from their reunion trip to the northwest, Maria had been anxious to see Aunt Danielle. Even so, she'd managed to end up alone on stakeout with her three times already and not actually bring up the topic she really wanted to talk about.
Maria stared out into the dark through the sight on her rifle, biting her lower lip and resisting the urge to glance over at her "Aunt." Prepared for everything, she'd always been, except, well... this. And asking for advice meant acknowledging to herself what was going on. It had been easy to think of it as no big deal after that one night on the camping trip... less so after the next time she and Vera had been alone together, and the next, and the next.
Okay. This was it. She had to do it tonight. After all, Aunt Danielle was basically the only person Maria knew who, well... knew what it was like, if rumor was correct. And the only one, because of that, who stood any kind of chance of keeping her secret.
All right. Gonna do it. Just gotta spit it out.
Maria cleared her throat. "Uh..."
Maria stared out into the dark through the sight on her rifle, biting her lower lip and resisting the urge to glance over at her "Aunt." Prepared for everything, she'd always been, except, well... this. And asking for advice meant acknowledging to herself what was going on. It had been easy to think of it as no big deal after that one night on the camping trip... less so after the next time she and Vera had been alone together, and the next, and the next.
Okay. This was it. She had to do it tonight. After all, Aunt Danielle was basically the only person Maria knew who, well... knew what it was like, if rumor was correct. And the only one, because of that, who stood any kind of chance of keeping her secret.
All right. Gonna do it. Just gotta spit it out.
Maria cleared her throat. "Uh..."
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(listen)
Damn These Vampires - The Mountain Goats
Crawl til dawn
On my hands and knees
God damn these vampires
For what they've done to me
Many Funerals - Eisley
And, oh, now we take our chances
We all will take more chances
Before our lives end too
The Things I Regret - Brandi Carlile
But when you're wearing on your sleeve
All the things you regret
You can only remember what you want to forget
The Execution Of All Things - Rilo Kiley
Then we'll murder what matters to you and move on to your neighbors and kids.
Crush all hopes of happiness with disease 'cause of what you did.
Haunting - Halsey
I've got a boyfriend now and he's made of gold
And you've got your own mistakes in a bed at home
One of THOSE Nights - The Cab
I'm a mess and you're worse
Just give me time to give you a waste of time
One of those nights
When you leave me for no reason
I'll give you a reason
Call Me When You're Sober - Evanescence
Should I let you fall, lose it all
So maybe you can remember yourself?
Can't keep believing
We're only deceiving ourselves
And I'm sick of the lie
And you're too late
Marlboro Lights - Natalia Kills
But I'll be here 'til chaos calls
And God ain't listening anymore
'Cause I, I know that we could be better
Darkening Sky - Peter Bradley Adams
Hey angel there over her head
Tell me the time hasn't come
Have mercy please on the one that I love
Her body's to weary to run.
Burn - The Pretty Reckless
You want me to burn
Want me to burn
Want me to hurt
And maybe I will finally learn
Up From The Ground - Fort Atlantic
Up from the ground, up from the cold
I've been here before, I know how this goes
I thought it was good, I thought it was right
But hope turns to fear when there's absence of light
Shattered & Hollow
I am in love and I am lost
But I'd rather be
Broken than empty
Oh, I'd rather be
Shattered than hollow
Oh, I'd rather be
By your side
Weight of Living, Pt. II - Bastille
Every day that passes, faster than the last did
And you'll be old soon, you'll be old
Do you like the person you've become
Our Perfect Disease - The Wombats
It's always a shock when old friends pass by
But with you it's no death in the family
Let's not talk about hate when there's hell to pay
For my cowardice and your bad timing
Point of Extinction - Motion City Soundtrack
I'm so tired, I've had enough
If there's one thing I've learned
You'll always get burned
But you'll never give it up
Portugal - WALK THE MOON
So I say I'm sorry I can't, I've got plans
'Cause I watch the time slip thru my hands
What you don't know now one day you'll learn
Growing up is a heavy leaf to turn
Welcome Home - Radical Face
Peel the scars from off my back
I don't need them anymore
You can throw them out or keep them in your mason jars
I've come home
Unmasked! - The Mountain Goats
And you don't care, you look almost relieved down there
Like you're free, like you can breathe now
Like they've sawn off your cast
Þerney (One Thing) - Pascal Pinon
I'll just make something beautiful
Of all the ugliness I've done.
Damn These Vampires - The Mountain Goats
Crawl til dawn
On my hands and knees
God damn these vampires
For what they've done to me
Many Funerals - Eisley
And, oh, now we take our chances
We all will take more chances
Before our lives end too
The Things I Regret - Brandi Carlile
But when you're wearing on your sleeve
All the things you regret
You can only remember what you want to forget
The Execution Of All Things - Rilo Kiley
Then we'll murder what matters to you and move on to your neighbors and kids.
Crush all hopes of happiness with disease 'cause of what you did.
Haunting - Halsey
I've got a boyfriend now and he's made of gold
And you've got your own mistakes in a bed at home
One of THOSE Nights - The Cab
I'm a mess and you're worse
Just give me time to give you a waste of time
One of those nights
When you leave me for no reason
I'll give you a reason
Call Me When You're Sober - Evanescence
Should I let you fall, lose it all
So maybe you can remember yourself?
Can't keep believing
We're only deceiving ourselves
And I'm sick of the lie
And you're too late
Marlboro Lights - Natalia Kills
And God ain't listening anymore
'Cause I, I know that we could be better
Darkening Sky - Peter Bradley Adams
Hey angel there over her head
Tell me the time hasn't come
Have mercy please on the one that I love
Her body's to weary to run.
Burn - The Pretty Reckless
You want me to burn
Want me to burn
Want me to hurt
And maybe I will finally learn
Up From The Ground - Fort Atlantic
Up from the ground, up from the cold
I've been here before, I know how this goes
I thought it was good, I thought it was right
But hope turns to fear when there's absence of light
Shattered & Hollow
I am in love and I am lost
But I'd rather be
Broken than empty
Oh, I'd rather be
Shattered than hollow
Oh, I'd rather be
By your side
Weight of Living, Pt. II - Bastille
Every day that passes, faster than the last did
And you'll be old soon, you'll be old
Do you like the person you've become
Our Perfect Disease - The Wombats
It's always a shock when old friends pass by
But with you it's no death in the family
Let's not talk about hate when there's hell to pay
For my cowardice and your bad timing
Point of Extinction - Motion City Soundtrack
I'm so tired, I've had enough
If there's one thing I've learned
You'll always get burned
But you'll never give it up
Portugal - WALK THE MOON
So I say I'm sorry I can't, I've got plans
'Cause I watch the time slip thru my hands
What you don't know now one day you'll learn
Growing up is a heavy leaf to turn
Welcome Home - Radical Face
Peel the scars from off my back
I don't need them anymore
You can throw them out or keep them in your mason jars
I've come home
Unmasked! - The Mountain Goats
And you don't care, you look almost relieved down there
Like you're free, like you can breathe now
Like they've sawn off your cast
Þerney (One Thing) - Pascal Pinon
I'll just make something beautiful
Of all the ugliness I've done.